When we moved here to Vegas, I was in a women’s Bible Study for a few weeks until I had Ethan. On the second week of the Bible Study, we were going around asking for prayer requests. When it got to me, I asked for prayer for Emma, who was 2 at the time, to help her makes some new friends since she was missing her little friends in California. The lady in front of me said, “I wouldn’t want my kids playing with the pastor’s kids.”
What?
I was so stunned for a minute. Then I said, “Our kids are just normal kids, too.”
When I left, I cried all of the way home from church. Sure pregnancy hormones could have been partly to blame. But I was also so sad that leadership was already effecting our kids so negatively. I hurt that even at two, Emma’s pool of friends was tightening. I hated it. And I didn’t know what in the world to do about it.
It is funny that even at 7, Emma has families who try so hard to get their daughters to be friends with her because of who her dad is. And people who don’t want their kids being around her for the same reason. I’m grateful for the wonderful friends she does have who don’t care who her parents are.
So here’s what I’m wondering … What do you do help your kids have as “normal” of a childhood as possible? What do you do to protect them from the hurts that come along with leadership?
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We just discussed this the other day. Our kids are small, so we haven’t had any really negative expectations put on them yet except for the old “Oh, watch out for the PK’s they’re the worst.” Which I hate!
I told my husband that I can totally handle people expectations being put on me, but leave my kids out of it. We serve in a rather non-traditional church so expectations haven’t been a problem, but at the same time wonder as my boys get closer to teen years what could possibly develop.
All that rambling to say….our kids are treated like everyone else and as they grow, we’ll definitely develop a more complete plan of protection for them!
When the girls were little I had them in several non-church related activities. Most of the other women involved had no idea my husband was a pastor unless I said something. They had a chance to be friends with kids from outside the church. They went to Gymboree and did several classes (dance, gymnastics, cooking etc…) through the Henderson Parks and Rec department. They also had their school friends. But now that they are older I find myself wishing they had more church friends whose families share the same values.
My oldest daughter (who is 13) had a very good lesson this weekend in being a pastor’s kid. The youth ministry had a scavenger hunt at the church building. Each team was given a parking space and chalk to mark off what they found in their “spot”. Well, some of the kids thought it would be funny to draw other things or make jokes about my daughter. Nothing obscene but more kiddish like “Jordan Homa loves so in so” kind of stuff. I found out later she knew about them but thought we’d get rain and the chalk would wash away. But no rain came. Instead, anyone who came to church Sunday and was near that parking spot saw it and questioned her about it. It suddenly dawned on her that people know who she is and she really didn’t like it.
Right now my kids are 8 and 4 years old. They get spoiled at church. Their teachers let them do “special things”, like being the helper (every Sunday). And getting two pieces of candy when everyone else got one (which I had her share with her brother) There have been times when my son has gotten in trouble in his class. The teacher told us, but she seems almost nervous and kept saying, “but he’s such a good boy- he just had a bad day”. No, it wasn’t a bad day- he was making bad choices, period. When situations like this happen I try my best to explain to them that they are special for who they are (just like every other kid is special for being who they are) but they don’t need to have special treatment. It’s a hard thing to teach them.
My children are almost 8, 5, and 13 months. Our first two children were born while we were serving at our previous church in Kansas. Hayden, our third child, was born here in Virginia. She was also the first minister’s baby born in quite a while. Because of this and the fact that she is such a pleasant, smiling baby that will go to anyone, people just pick her up and take off with my child. It really hasn’t bothered me too much until just this evening — our third night of evening VBS. It runs late and trying to gather your own children is difficult. We absolutely cannot get out of the door without being stopped at least 20 times because of everyone stopping the stroller to talk to the baby. Tonight I had a neighbor come to church and she had brought another neighbor with her. Before I knew it someone else had snatched Hayden up again. When the neighbors left, I gathered my older two children again — who were playing nearby — and then I had to go find the baby. I knew she was fine. She was with friends, but sometimes I just want to hold my own baby and get out of the building on time without being stopped.
i think this is so hard. I try to play with as many if not more kids that dont go to our church or dont treat him like a PK. We do MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) and he is just one of the boys there, no special treatment. I am also just one of the moms. I usually try to avoid the fact that my husband is a pastor, just for the reason that a lot of people do look at you different or change the way they talk or the things they may talk about. We are just normal people too!
Also, I think it is so hard if you change churches and have another baby at the new church. The church people are more willing to hug and coddle the baby but not so much your older child. My son was 4 and everyone was great to him, but I think he still got really jealous of all the extra attention the baby got from everyone else and he didnt.
Angie – teens being teens stinks – teens being teens and the whole world knowing about it is extra stinky!
People say the strangest things….. in my sort of church culture here the Pastors family are treated like celebs almost. I think everyone would be clamouring to have their kids be friends with them.
My life in the church leadership was separate from my kid’s life. They were in public school with school friends from every denomination and some unsaved. The world would not treat them as the prince and princess I think they are so I expected them to mind my rules and before leaving my house to play I said “Remember Who you belong to. I can’t watch you but God is always watching. Be good and have fun.” If other people have expectations of our children, it is another opportunity to teach our kids about being Christ-like and be the salt and light in the world. Forgive others. We made it past the teen years and it wasn’t all that stinky. God’s grace is sufficient for every parent. LOL.