There is a website that is part of Jud’s book “Stipped.” On it there is a section where people can “Dump Their Junk.” It is chocked full of raw, honest confessions that are left anonymously. I thought every once in a while I would put one up here for us to talk about. There are people facing these same problems in every community and church around the country. I thought we might could learn from each other about how to encourage, love and minister to hurting people. I will copy the post exactly as it was written. So the question will always be: What would you say?
help i’m sinking.
Today was a nightmare!! I found out my husband of 20 years had a “fling” He confessed because the other womans boyfriend was going to tell me. I am so confused. He wants to make it work. It was just sex, I don’t know why I did it,She didn’t take no for an answer, I caved. It meant nothing,…. He is relieved, because the guilt was getting to him..So he says. I don’t know what to think. I thought this was the man I was destin to spend my life with. Do I try to save my marriage/family. I don’t want to be betrayed again. I need guidance. I’m so lost, ashamed of what he did. Dear Lord, Please guild me in the right direction.
What would you say to “help i’m sinking?”
This is a heart wrenching question. Yes, try to save the marriage but seek good Christian counseling and attend an intense marriage workshop. Her husband has to take responsibility, right now he’s blaming the woman. Hello!!! Insist that all contact is cut off with the other woman even though she is hurt by that. If he wants to save the marriage, he will do whatever it takes. Remember forgiveness is an act of the will but often doesn’t come until it is met by a contrite heart. Trust is the last thing to return. I suggest reading “Torn Asunder” by Dave Carder. Pray for your husband, yourself, and the other woman (a tough one).
Kill him. Just kidding. (That’s not the appropriate answer).
I have a friend to whom this very thing happened.
“help i’m sinking” has every right to leave him for his infidelity.
What if she separated from him for a specified time in order to work it out? (The separation could be separate rooms or it could entail one of them actually moving out for a while). The man isn’t even taking responsibility for his actions yet, so it’s not likely that he’s ready to work it out. If there isn’t any consequence for his actions, then what will stop it from happening again? Her heart, I’m sure, is ripped apart, and it’s not made any easier for her if she has to share his bed.
During their separation, they should attend (Christian) counseling and there should be a very specific plan to move back to togetherness. What that plan is would depend on the couple and what they work out with their counselor.
It’s a scary world. “help i’m sinking” may wish to be checked for STDs or ask him to be checked.
I’m praying for “help i’m sinking”.
Coming from a hauntingly similar situation, I would say, trust me GOD IS STILL GOD and He will still be there on the other side. I immersed myself in the Word, counseling, women’s groups and supportive women. Take one breath at a time and keep reaching out for help.
Having walked this road … way to many times … with different friends. I usually find there isn’t much to say. I usually just cry, say lots of “I love you” and “I would feel the same way” and “I’m so sorry.” But we always direct people to A New Beginning (http://www.savemymarriage.com/). It is the best thing out there for couples in crisis that we’ve found. It has helped quite a few of our close friends start to find healing and begin to mend their marriages.
I would advise Help I’m Sinking to read Cindy Beall’s story at http://www.cindybeall.com. She has an amazing story and was given the following advice by a very wise pastor:
“I would respect you if you felt that you needed to remove yourself from your marriage. What you’ve endured is very hard. But, you are not a fool to stay and be a part of the redemptive work in a man’s life.”
Thanks for the direction to A New Beginning. I knew I needed a resource if/when I come across a similar situation (again).