Here is a little video we recorded last week when Donna and I were hanging out. Donna and her husband serve at Hillside Christian Church in our hometown, Amarillo Tx. I’d love to hear your comments below.
And someone who actually knows something about video, tell me how to get the frozen screen shot to not be something dorky. I obviously have no idea how to control it. Certainly wouldn’t choose that picture on purpose.
Oh well … here we go …
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Great video…agree with you guys- friendships take time and energy and involvement. My son and fiance were starting their wedding list and I was pretty impressed my son thought of all my friends for the list and didn’t leave out one. Your close girlfriends are like family and they know your kids well and your kids know them! Miss you Lori, sounds like your having lots of fun! How does June 11th, 2010 wedding sound??
This is truly THE struggle of my life in ministry! To be completely transparent, I am actually seeing a Christian counselor right now to work through it! I really put myself “out there’, trying to be real and a true friend, not a friend because I am the preacher’s wife… and have gotten burned from every direction over the past year. Not trying to pull the pity party thing, but it really has been hard. HOWEVER, I believe that God is doing things in my life that I might not have been looking for if I had never gone through the hurt.
With all of that said….I still don’t know the all the answers. I think I’m getting a better “grasp” of how to balance the friendship thing, but it’s so hard!! I have gotten wisdom from more experienced ladies in ministry, who have a similar personality as me and that has helped. It does no good for me to hear advice from a very timid, laid back lady – her path to friendship is going to yield completely different results from my efforts.
One thing I have learned is that my desire for that companionship needs to be directed toward God, then maybe He will provide that person, or maybe He won’t for a time – but it will be ok because my relationship with Him will be amazing!
Lori,
I have loved reading your perspective on many different topics. You have an interesting way of drawing people into an area that is often not talked about. I will share with you my view of friendship with a person in leadership.
One of my favorite people is our senior pastors wife. We went to college together and were very close during that time. After a seven year seperation of life taking us in different directions we were reunited at a garage sale of all places. The Lord brought her family to Amarillo and we reconnected! We taught preschool together and grew close again with us attending a different church than the one they ministered at. I was reluctant to step into their church as the roll of friend of the pastor’s wife knowing that other people might not accept us since our connection started at the top. But after many months of persuasion from her and her husband we decided to try it out and we literally felt like we were finally home. Serving along side them is so special because of the long ago bond of being college girls. I knew her husband as a typical college guy~I don’t hold that against him but that helps me keep him human and not on a different playing field. I have seen her house “lived in” and know that I am of a select few allowed in during those times. I have seen them squabble like normal couples. Most importantly I continualy see them love the Lord in a way that immediatly washes over all imperfections.
I say all of the above because I respect the calling of the Ators. I have to keep my agenda in check and make sure that personal goals, desires, and ideas aren’t born from thinking I have an inside track. I have to respect information that sometimes accidentally or inadvertantly gets found out about other people in the church. I have to step back and not get my feelings hurt that she has “duties” and I don’t always get included in those times. I know she loves me. I know she desires to keep our friendship important and makes me a priority but I also know that many other women are needing a part of her too. She is on call, as is her husband, 24/7 and I have to respect that.
What I have learned is that she struggles with the friendships that you described. I have hurt for her when people have saught them out because they feel there is some status in being friends with them. I have hurt for her when people leave the church or shun them because of them being the senior pastors.I have cherished every moment of being her friend and in a group of friends that respect, love, and appreciate each other. When we are getting coffee or on vacation together I often forget what her husband does. She is just the great friend I met back in 1995.
If Teresa’s husband wasn’t the senior pastor we would still be friends. Our husbands would still be friends. Our kids would still be friends. It isn’t hard to be their friends, it IS hard to be friends with some people for the right reasons.
I pray many blessings over you and your group of girls. I am sure of one thing. God knew I needed special women in my life to make it better, more fun, more full. He really pulled through for me.
In Him,
Keri Melban
Would like to add… Eventhough it is ridiculous and unjustified, others are often and unfortunately intimidated by the pastor’s wife. My faults and “normalness” seem obvious to me, and yet somehow because I’m married to a pastor I’m pegged as a certain stereotype. In the past, this has gotten in the way of genuine friendship. So what I guess I’m saying is put that fire out! With WISDOM be you, be real, be transparent, have fun and over time God will bless you with a safe friend! Leadership can be very lonely, eventhough we are often in a crowd, so my prayer for you is the gift of friendship.
Just wanted to add. With You Tube the picture that showcases your video is exactly half way into the video. Your video is 5 minutes so the snapshot is taken from the 2 1/2 minute mark. What you can do IF you know how long your video will be is to put on a magical face at that half-way point and it will then be your snap shot picture. Kinda weird how they do it but none the less that is why you are stuck with the picture you have. Which is cute BTW!
I like easy friendships. My closest friends have all come because of easy, natural, comfortable, pressure-free, trustworthy interactions. When I make a close friend it all seems to fit, like a puzzle.
p.s. cute video! I know you two had fun together and I am so glad that you had a week away to enjoy one another.
I’m so blessed in this dept. Its probably so different for those of you who planted churches and moved away from your local area. We have been here for years and I have a group of girlfriends who have been there for me for like forever. When things get crazy I can call on them. We hang out together when we can. Several of them are in ministry so they “get” it which makes it easy to discuss things with them. One of my BFF is now at WABC with me. Her husband who is good friends with my husband is now Marc’s Senior Assoc. Its been wonderful having them there. I find that when I do “me” rather then do the “First Lady” thing people have responded in kindness. Now maybe if WABC gets larger I will have to be on guard more but right now I have very little to complain about.
My closest friends are ones that were never really forced…in some kind of setting we were working together on a project, work environment, school environment….we all shared some kind of common vision.
They all have one thing in common: they all love to have fun and LAUGH! I love to laugh and make my friends laugh more than anything. I am so, so thankful for them:)
enjoyed the video:)
Lori-what I love about this blog is each time I read a post it’s like YES, I get that! Everyone sort of “speaks the same language” around here and I love to feel “normalized” when I’m reading your blog! Thanks again for what you do!
I have lots of really great friends from high school, college, and now my adult life. My closest friends now really are the women who’s husbands also serve in ministry. Like you said, they have been in my shoes and just get where I’m coming from. I don’t have to explain alot to them. One thing that has been hard for me is relating to friends who’s husbands aren’t in ministry. After I catch up with anyone of my girlfriends who’s husband isn’t in ministry, I always think-I know they know what is going on in my life-but they can never really understand what our life is about. There are so many aspects of leadership and ministry you just can’t describe.
I never knew how important friendship with other wives in ministry would be. Those friendships are like gold to me and some of the most important parts of my life. I cherish them!
G
Awesome thoughts ladies.
I will say I didn’t understand the isolation of leadership until we moved the first time and Jud became the teaching pastor. That was the first time I really saw the difference.
But I’m so blessed with great friends. So very thankful for them!
When we had our first move, my best friend there said that she was praying for a new best friend for me. That was the best!
well said girls! i have struggled in the friendship area… i’ve always been surrounded by a lot of people, but having the person has sometimes been difficult. the isolation thing is much better now than it was a few years ago, thank goodness. but now i currently have two people i feel like i can talk to who understand… but to be honest, i think there’s always a certain aspect of life that i might never share because of the leadership position, not that there’s anything horrible or juicy, just as a means of protection? anyone else feel that way?
This video got me a little weepy. This is an area that I have been struggling with in a big way lately.
I loved what Lisa said about directing our need for companionship to God. I’ve thought about that, and have wondered if God is asking me to rely on Him for comfort and friendship. I love to be surrounded and entertained, and maybe that’s not the way I need to learn right now. Hope I can learn quickly. I want to laugh with someone over coffee again soon
Great interview.
I totally feel that way Brandi! There will always be stuff that I can’t talk about with my friends … even if I want to. Kind of a bummer. I think that is part of that isolation thing. Wanting to talk to friends … but not being able to. I didn’t really realize that until we moved into executive type leadership.
And Tiff … I don’t know about coffee … but chai lattes soon!
Lori- great post!
I used to think as a pastor I had it all figures out and had it rough at times duento being a staff pastor! Then when I became the senior pastor man were my eyes opened and my wifes too!
This friendship issue is huge and many times harder on the wives I meet, but it is a struggle for the men too!
I have many close friends but sometimes it is rough being called pastor or pk in the middle of a game!
We do have some close friends from another church we hang put with occasionally just to feel human!
Great post and comments from everyone!
Kevin thanks for giving the man’s point of view. Marc is a pretty “lone” person always has been, but he does have a few friends he can touch basis with when he needs to and for that I am grateful.
First, ya’ll are so cute! (yes Lori, you can hear my drawl all the way to Vegas) Great topic.
Worth. It.
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